


I Solemnly Swear

by Marauder_Emaelyn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, I don't know how else to tag it so that works, I don't know if it's that scary but we'll go with it, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Era-Au, Panic Attacks, Peter is a good friend, Remus has anxiety, Remus is sick, Sickness, Talks of Death, Wolfstar cuddles, i guess?, james is a good friend, minor horror, sirius has anxiety, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26765338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Emaelyn/pseuds/Marauder_Emaelyn
Summary: When Remus' condition deteriorates, the Marauders do everything they can to make things better for him. Sirius finds himself questioning whether things can ever really be okay.The Marauders have always been able to do anything, as long as they were together.But what if this time, it's not so simple?
Relationships: Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 78





	I Solemnly Swear

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been a long time coming. I really hope it was worth the wait, guys<3  
> Thank you to Tobi, who helped me figure out some important plot details when I first started working on this. And thank you to Jack for giving me tips for the suspenseful scene. Felix and Nepomuk, I hope I don't make you cry too much haha!<3<3
> 
> This is the first of my Halloween fics, I don't know if I will get around to more, but if nothing else we have this fic<3
> 
> TW: This is a pretty heavy fic, guys. There's a lot of discussions of Remus' illness. Remus and Sirius also both have anxiety, and you see them both in anxiety or panic attacks. There's a healer who isn't too great, and some of his suggestions are very unhelpful. Also about two lines about Sirius throwing up. There's also a bit of body gore towards the end, I guess? And some suspense. Also, there are some discussions of death? I don't really know how to tag those, but yeah.  
> Please please be careful reading it. And please let me know if I need to add any other trigger warnings!

***** _September, 1976_ *****

Sirius sat in the hard chair beside Remus’ bed in his private room, hand gripping Remus’ tightly. He watched Remus’ face as he slept; it was devoid of colour, and there were dark bruises beneath his eyes. His breath caught every time there was a pause between Remus’ exhale and inhale. He felt utterly helpless. Pomfrey had explained to them that he was going to start getting worse two years ago, but he still couldn’t connect that conversation to the fact that a week after the full moon Remus still barely woke up for an hour at a time. He was exhausted, and Sirius knew it. He just didn’t comprehend the fact that Remus was _doing things_ all summer, and then moved into the hospital wing full time as soon as school started.

Technically Remus shouldn’t even _be_ at Hogwarts anymore. His condition should get him sent to St. Mungo’s, and they’d figure out _why_ he’s so sick, and then everything would just get worse. Sirius is grateful that Dumbledore is still making provisions for him.

That Madame Pomfrey and Professor Mcgonagall are _convincing_ him to keep making provisions for Remus.

Sirius carefully brushed the hair back from Remus’ forehead, and tried not to think about how terrified he is of Remus getting worse.

***** _October,1972_ *****

Sirius slowly knelt down onto the floor of their dorm across from Remus, who was pressed up against the wall, curled into a ball. His breaths came in harsh gasps, and he was shaking violently. Sirius wasn’t sure if it was from fear or his illness.

Maybe both.

“I promise it doesn’t bother us,” Sirius said gently, keeping eye contact with Remus. “And we aren’t going to tell anyone.” Remus just stared back at him with wide eyes.

“We really don’t care that you’re a werewolf,” Peter piped up, somewhere on the left side of Sirius.

“Yes, we do,” James said instantly, and Sirius shot him a glare. “Lycanthropy is bloody awful, mate, and of course we care that you have it, it sucks. But it doesn’t change that you’re our friend.” Sirius tried to reach out a careful hand towards Remus, but the smaller boy just pushed himself further against the wall.

“Bu-but-but I- but I- I’m- but I’m-” Remus whimpered, barely able to speak at all. “But I- I’m a-a-a a mo-mon- a mons-ster.” Sirius was shaking his head before Remus even finished the sentence. HIs heart clenched at those words coming from his friend’s mouth.

“ _No_ ,” Sirius said firmly. “No, you are _not_ a monster, Remus. I don’t care what anyone else says, or even what you think. You’re our friend, and you’re a kid, and you’re sick. None of that makes you a monster.” Remus shook his head miserably.

“I- I- I’m I- I’m d- dan- I’m dange-danger-erous!” He cried out, before burying his head behind his knees. James scoffed, and Sirius turned to glare at him.

“You aren’t dangerous,” Sirius said softly, turning back to Remus. “You’re still Remus. And Remus studies too hard and is sick a lot and hates being mean to people and is kind and helpful. Even if you _are_ dangerous, that doesn’t stop you from being all of those things. And it doesn’t stop you from being our friend. We know you aren’t gonna hurt anyone.” Remus whimpered quietly, and Sirius’ heart clenched. He hated seeing Remus like this.

“Mate, why would you think we’d abandon you just ‘cause you’re dangerous, anyway?” James asked, and Sirius shot him a dirty look. James ignored him. “Beyond the fact that it’s laughable at best to say an untransformed werewolf is dangerous, seeing as your body’s literally weakened by the lycanthropy, us Marauders tend to have an affinity for danger. We live on the edge.” Remus just shook his head from behind his knees, stuttering incoherently.

“Remy, please,” Sirius said, “You’re our friend. Nothing is ever going to change that. We aren’t going to tell anyone, okay? No one will know. We’ll help you keep your secret.” Remus peeked out above his knees, eyes still filled with fear. Sirius gave him a small smile.

“I solemnly swear it,” Sirius said, so low he wasn’t sure Remus heard him. Remus’ arms dropped tiredly to the ground beside him, and Sirius carefully scooted forward and wrapped him in a hug. James and Peter weren’t far behind. For a long while, the four boys just sat there, Remus’ breath catching occasionally.

“You can’t get rid of us just because you’re sick,” James said teasingly, and Remus managed to give him a half-smile in return.

***** _September, 1976_ *****

Sirius turned his head to watch James enter the little room in the back of the hospital wing, but he wasn’t really paying attention. He ran his thumb gently over the knuckles of Remus’ hand, still nestled snugly in his own. His legs were starting to feel numb from sitting in the hard chair for so long, but he didn’t particularly care.

“Has he woken up at all?” James murmured, squeezing Sirius’ shoulder gently. Sirius just shook his head as he stared at Remus’ face. At the crease between his brows that didn’t disappear, even in his sleep.

“Madame Pomfrey said Mr. Holoway would be coming later this week,” James tried. Sirius still didn’t answer. He felt too close to tears more often than not recently, and he wasn’t ready to let them out. He wondered briefly if this is what it felt like for Remus, if this was why he didn’t speak. If he felt as anxious about his stutter as Sirius did crying.

Then again, Sirius knew anxiety wasn’t the only reason Remus didn’t speak.

“She seems hopeful that he’ll have some ideas when he comes back.” Sirius wondered when the last time he and Remus had a full conversation. As much as the Marauders had always joked about how little Remus spoke, Sirius couldn’t help but feel the absence of his words like there was actually something tangible missing. Like someone took a piece of furniture from the room.

Like Remus was only half here.

Sirius felt like he could count the number of words Remus had spoken since the summer on his fingers. So much had changed since then.

“Mate, when was the last time you ate?” Sirius finally turned back to look at James, facing the concern on his best friend’s face.

“With you,” Sirius murmured. James furrowed his brows.

“You mean lunch? _Yesterday?_ ” Sirius ducked his head. “Sirius, come on. I know you care about Remus, but running yourself into the ground isn’t going to help.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand.

“He hasn’t woken up since you were here this morning,” he whispered, and James sighed.

“Come on, Pete’s grabbing food from the kitchens. Let’s get back to the dorm before curfew, alright?” 

“What if he wakes up on his own again?”

“He’s going to be alright, Sirius. I know you’re worried, but getting yourself into more trouble and running yourself into the ground really won’t help. Besides, you know he’ll get mad if you get more detention because you were here with him.” Sirius shifted in his seat, still not willing to leave. “Padfoot, I solemnly swear he’ll be okay, alright?” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Solemnly swearing is a serious thing, Prongs.”

“It is a Sirius thing,” James teased. Then more seriously, “And I mean it.” Sirius didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t stop James from taking his hand and dragging him out of the room. “Come on, let’s go get you some food and blast your records so loud the girls complain.” And really, Sirius couldn’t help the reluctant grin that spread across his face at the thought.

***** _April, 1974_ *****

Sirius felt pretty helpless as he sat with his side pressed into the metal headboard of Remus’ bed in the hospital wing, Remus himself against his other side as sobs wracked the smaller boy’s body. On Remus’ other side was James, his arm comfortingly wrapped around Remus’ shoulders as he cried. Sirius shared a helpless glance with James every once in a while, but they both knew there wasn’t anything they could do. Sirius could feel Remus’ muscles spasming under his arm, which he was sure was only making things worse. He closed his eyes and took a steady breath against the tightness in his chest as he tried to keep the anger bubbling in his stomach at bay. It wasn’t fair that Remus couldn’t go a single year without his whole world falling apart. It wasn’t fair that Remus couldn’t have things go right for once. It wasn’t fair that bad things had to happen so close to the full moon for Remus, all the time.

It wasn’t fair that Remus kept having people taken from him.

The door to Remus’ room opened, and Sirius felt Remus tense up beside him, muscles still spasming erratically, trying to stifle his sobs. He pulled Remus closer to his side, just barely, as he looked up to see Mister and Mrs. Potter entering the room. He pushed aside the warm bubble in his chest as Remus leaned in, just a little. Mrs. Potter immediately crossed the room, sitting down beside James at the foot of the bed. She leaned across James to wrap Remus in a hug, forcing James to lean back a moment. Mr. Potter wasn’t far behind as he sat in the chair directly across from Remus, laying a hand on his knee. Remus sat completely still as the Potters comforted him, and Sirius managed to bite back from yelling at them for making Remus uncomfortable.

“I am so sorry, dear.” Mrs. Potter sat back, and James quickly wrapped his arm back around Remus’ shoulders. Sirius didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he let it out as Remus relaxed just slightly against James and himself.

“Do-d-do y-y-you- do you k-know an-any more a-a-abo-about wha-what h- what happ-pened?” Remus asked quietly. The Potters exchanged a look, and Remus groaned lowly. “Pl-pl-please. I- I wa- I want to kn-know.” Mr. Potter sighed.

“Your father and his team…were caught off guard when they were checking out a particularly nasty gnome infestation.” Sirius shifted uncomfortably as Remus let out a long breath. No one said a word.

“Did-” Sirius said suddenly, and everyone looked at him. “Er, I mean, was- was there even an infestation?” Mr. Potter hesitated, and then slowly shook his head. Remus shoved himself farther back into the wall, and Sirius tugged him closer to his side again. Remus was shaking, and Sirius fought his instinct to wrap his other arm around Remus and bury his face in the smaller boy’s hair.

“S-so w- so what?” Remus asked, barely whispering. “I-it wa- it was a-a- a tr- a trap?” Sirius subtly rubbed Remus’ side as he watched the silent tears run down his cheeks.

“Yes,” Mr. Potter replied quietly. “They were trying to get to your father.” Remus closed his eyes, turning his face into Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius resisted the urge to kiss him atop the head as James scooted in closer, hugging Remus tight, and Mrs. Potter reached across to lay her hand on Remus’ knee. Sirius didn’t understand how everyone could be so against Remus. Nothing but trouble seemed to come his way, and he didn’t see why everyone seemed so set on adding to it.

“I-it w-was Greyback, w-was-sn’t it.” The whisper wasn’t a question, and Sirius froze. He looked up at Mr. Potter to see him nodding minutely.

“Yes.” A silent sob wracked Remus’ body, and Sirius’ stomach twisted.

“That bastard,” Sirius growled.

“Language, Sirius,” Mrs. Potter chided half-heartedly. Sirius barely heard her.

“What, his revenge nine years ago wasn’t enough? He couldn’t bloody leave you alone for once?” Another silent sob shook Remus, and Sirius wrapped his other arm around him, hugging him tight to his chest. His heart thudded painfully in his chest as he watched Remus cry, too grief-stricken to make a sound.

“He won’t get away with it,” James said fiercely, his hand still on Remus’ shoulder. “He can’t. I’ll hunt him down myself if I have to.”  
“N-no!” Remus whipped his head around, and Sirius tried not to flinch as he heard his joints crack. “Y-y-you you c- you- ca-can- you can’t!” James scowled.

“James,” Mr. Potter said sternly, and James ducked his head. “You are not, under any circumstances, going after a highly dangerous, high profile criminal. Especially one that is suspected to have ties to the Death Eaters. You are going to leave that to the Aurors.”

“The Aurors-”  
“Are doing their best.” Mr. Potter gave James a withering look. “And you are not going to go looking for trouble and get yourself killed. Am I understood?” James nodded reluctantly, but shared a glance with Sirius.

“We gotta be here for Remus, anyway,” Sirius murmured, but he knew that look in James’ eye.

James may not go looking for trouble, but if it found them, he’d do whatever it took to take Greyback down.

“Remus,” Mrs. Potter said gently, drawing the attention of all three boys. Remus shifted around to be facing her while still leaning against Sirius, and Sirius let him before settling his arms back around him carefully. “We’ve been in meetings all morning, and we wanted to offer; we would love for you to come stay with us, if you would like that.” Sirius didn’t have to see Remus’ face to know the way his eyes widened at the offer.

“I-I-” Remus stammered. “I-I me- I mean I-” Sirius squeezed Remus around the middle gently as he trailed off.

“I think Remus likes the offer, but he’s worried,” Sirius said, and felt Remus relax a bit in his arms.

“If it’s about your health, Dumbledore has clued us in on your illness. We know, and it’s not an issue to us,” Mr. Potter said kindly. Remus just stared at Mr. Potter for a moment. Then, he turned his head to look at James, who had a wide grin on his face.

“You can come live with me, Remy!” James exclaimed, eyes lighting up. Sirius could just about see the way Remus’ own lips slowly turned up. He turned back to look between Mister and Mrs. Potter again.

Then, slowly, Remus nodded his head. Sirius pressed his forehead into Remus’ shoulder, squeezing him around the waist and grinning wide, ignoring the tears that had come unexpectedly in his eyes. He couldn’t be happier that James and Remus would be together. And he refused to acknowledge the jealousy twisting around in his stomach as Remus turned in his arms again, laying his head against Sirius’ shoulder. James whooped loudly and jumped up, excitement radiating off of him as he bounced around the small room.

“See, always tell you things can look up,” Sirius whispered hoarsely. He felt Remus grin against his shoulder. 

“N-no, you always s-solemnly swear it,” Remus whispered back thickly. “And you’re always r-right.

***** _September, 1976_ *****

“It’s not looking good, Poppy, I won’t lie.” Sirius paused outside the two doors in the back of the hospital wing, before creeping closer to the cracked open door of Pomfrey’s office to listen in.

“Well, Mr. Holoway, as I’ve said, I appreciate your professional opinions, but I would prefer you give me the facts.”

“Yes, well, nothing we have tried so far seems to have had any effect. Just the fact that he’s staying in as good of condition as he has been is a miracle all itself. I don’t know how he manages to get through full moons with barely a scratch on him, but the fact still remains that he’s deteriorating dangerously fast. His muscles are constantly fatigued, and his metabolism has not taken a hit but his appetite has. He’s too exhausted to eat sufficient amounts of food, and his malnourishment is causing a whole host of other issues. He’s tired enough that he’s been asleep more times that I’m here than awake, the few times I have had the chance to speak with him he’s complained of constant aches and pain, especially in his overstressed muscles and in his head. That doesn’t even get into the issues with his senses not seeming to dampen between the moons at all currently. When I say his condition is bad, it’s a statement of fact, not a mere observation.” The words may have held concern, but Sirius could hear the flatness in his tone. The way he listed it out monotone, as if it wasn’t a real person who was in the other room that was sick.

As if it wasn’t Remus that was sick.

“None of this is new information. And he has not seemed to have any continued deterioration since the beginning of the month, when we began his break from treatments.”

“A flattening out in worsening symptoms, while good for the fact that he isn’t currently getting worse, still isn’t very promising, especially with the level of symptoms he’s currently experiencing.”

“It is-”

“Poppy.” There was a long pause, and Sirius worried for a moment he’d been discovered. Then, Mr. Holoway continued. “I understand that you care for the boy, but you have to understand the level of strain he is under from all of this. He’s constantly in a considerable amount of pain, he’s barely able to function at all this year. He’s been under your care since the school year started, and he has not attended a single one of his classes. It may be time discuss the discontinuance of treatment and pul-”

“NO!” Sirius shoved into the room before he could think, and stared down the two healers in front of him. “You can’t! Don’t even think about- about- _that!_ ” Sirius could feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he didn’t care. All he could think about was Remus, and that Mr. Holoway wanted to…

Pomfrey quickly crossed the room and put a firm hand on Sirius’ shoulder. He watched as she turned her cold stare back to Mr. Holoway.

“Mr. Holoway.” Pomfrey spoke evenly, though there was a hard edge to her voice. “As I have already stated, several times, while I do appreciate your opinions, I prefer to look at the facts myself and make my own conclusions. And the fact is that I _will not_ even be considering that as an option.” Mr. Holoway let out a tired sigh, and Sirius had to bite back another shout.

“Poppy, you have to try to think about what’s best for Re-”

“What’s best for Remus isn’t-isn’t giving up on him!” Sirius whirled around to face Pomfrey. “You can do that, you can’t!” The tears were streaming down his face now. Pomfrey put her hand back on his shoulder.

“I won’t,” she said firmly, but Sirius could hardly hear her.

“You can’t give up on him! You just-you can’t! You can’t!” Sirius was only aware that he was shaking when Pomfrey wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face in her shoulder, trying to even out his breathing. He couldn’t stand the thought of anyone giving up on _Remus_ of all people…

“If I may-”  
“You may _not_ , Mr. Holoway,” Pomfrey interrupted coldly. “I think it is best if we continue this discussion later. I have _at least_ one distressed student to deal with right now. And you would do well to remember to properly shut doors when you are starting discussions on _confidential_ matters.” Sirius’ face burned, but Pomfrey rubbed his back reassuringly.

“Very well, Poppy.” Sirius listened to the sound of Mr. Holoway leaving, then listened to the sound of Pomfrey spelling the door shut quietly. It was another few moments before Sirius felt calm enough to step back and wipe the tears off his face, looking down at Pomfrey sheepishly.

“I’m sorry for eavesdropping,” he murmured quietly, “and for overreacting.” Pomfrey sighed.

“I would expect nothing less once you realized who we were talking about. I know how important he is to you. And you are to him.” Sirius ducked his head. “As for your reaction, the implications he was making were quite distressing, and there is nothing shameful about being freaked out by them. You must understand that I would not even consider that as a possibility, Sirius. I don’t care what Mr. Holoway was saying, Remus has been stable. And that is more than enough to keep my hopes up. Certainly more than enough to not give up on him. I need you to trust me.” Sirius nodded.

“I do, I’m sorry,” He whispered, and Pomfrey gave him another short hug.

“It’s alright. Now, I think we ought to go check on Mr. Lupin. With the door being left open, who knows how much he was able to hear.” Sirius’ eyes widened, and he quickly wrenched the door open, rushing to Remus’ room. He skidded to a stop in the doorway to see Remus sitting up against the headboard of his bed, his jaw set.

“Heya, Moony,” Sirius said softly, crossing to sit on the edge of the bed beside Remus. He took Remus’ hand up in both of his.

“Hey,” Remus replied softly, not meeting Sirius’ eye. Sirius hated the way his heart soared at hearing Remus say even just one word. He looked up as Madame Pomfrey entered and stood by the door, looking very tired.

“Remus-” she started, but Remus interrupted.

“I know. It wouldn’t ever be an option. Don’t worry, I know.” Sirius tried not to think about the fact that Remus had probably just said almost as much as he’d said in the entire last month in a few short sentences. He also tried not to think about the tone in Remus’ voice.

Madame Pomfrey, of course, did notice the tone of his voice.

“Remus,” she said gently, “I am not going to give up on you. And it isn’t out of spite, or because I feel like I have to figure this out. It’s because I care about you, and I know you deserve the chance.” Sirius played with Remus’ hand in his lap.

“I’m just selfish,” he whispered, so low that no one but Remus would ever be able to pick up what he said. “I don’t want to lose you.” Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand slightly, and sighed.

“I’m just tired.” Sirius had thought his heart had broken a thousand times in the past year as Remus continued to get worse. At the sound of his voice today, though, he realized every time before had just been a crack in his heart. Another hairline fracture splintering over the surface, creating a sickenly beautiful mosaic of fragments.

Today, his heart shattered.

“I know, Remus,” Pomfrey said softly, letting out a sigh. “As I said earlier, this month has been a good sign. And I have some much clearer ideas to be looking into for now. I will do everything I can to get you out of this hospital room, alright?” Remus nodded. Pomfrey gave him another long look before leaving the room, closing the door softly behind her. For a while, Sirius just sat there, holding Remus’ hand tight between his own, trying to blink the tears out of his eyes. Then he carefully reached out and brushed the hair off of Remus’ forehead, before scooting just a little closer. Remus sighed.

“‘You will remember,’” Sirius sang softly, his voice shaking, “‘When this is blown over, and everything’s all by the way. When I grow older, I will be there at your side to remind you, how I still love you.’” Remus sighed lightly, shifting over to lay his head against Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius wrapped his arm around him, and gently pressed his lips to Remus’ forehead.

“‘Too late,’” Remus murmured, not even quite singing, and a tear escaped Sirius’ eye. “‘My time has come. Send shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.’” Sirius pulled Remus closer, holding him tight, and Remus sighed again.

“‘I don’t wanna die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.’”

***** _December, 1975_ *****

Sirius sat with his knees pulled up to his chest at the foot of his bed, nausea rolling around in his stomach. His hands were tucked behind his knees to try to keep them from shaking. He couldn’t seem to do more than stare blankly at the floor, replaying the events of the night before.

He was angry with Dumbledore for letting him off so easy. Angry at Snape for riling him up.

Disgusted with himself. Furious that he could ever do something so cruel to Remus.

And his punishment was so insignificant. Of all the things he’d done in his life, this was by far the worst. Yet his punishment was so tame. Sirius couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up at the thought. When he did something minor, the punishment hurt him for days. But now that he’d done the worst thing he could possibly do, there was nothing. Sirius couldn’t stop the laughter now, it just kept coming, filling the silence of the darkened dorm around him.

He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before the contents of his stomach came up. Which at this point, was just the burning stomach acid.

He was still kneeling in front of the toilet, his forehead pressed against the cool seat, when he heard the door to his dorm open across the hall. 

“Sirius?” He didn’t respond as James looked for him in the empty dorm. He listened as he walked across the hall and opened the door to the bathroom.

“Sirius?” Still Sirius stayed silent. James pushed his way into the stall regardless, leaning against the wall behind Sirius. Sirius didn’t move. He didn’t have to turn to know that James was fidgeting uncomfortably, a conflicted look on his face. Sirius hated it.

Hated that James was even contemplating siding with him on this.

“Mate, I just don’t understand what happened.” Sirius closed his eyes, still not saying anything. “Look, I…you have to understand just how impossibly bad this is right?” Sirius pressed his forehead down against the toilet seat harder, tears slipping into his eyelashes. James sighed. “Look, Remus still hasn’t woken up yet, but I don’t even know what I’m supposed to tell him when he _does_ wake up, because I don’t know why you’ve done this, and you haven’t spoken since we got out of that meeting with Dumbledore last night.” Sirius heard one of his tears hit the tile below him. He didn’t think he could explain himself. There was no excuse good enough for riling Moony up. For hurting Remus.

“Sirius, please say _something_.”

“What am I supposed to say?” Sirius’ voice wavered as he finally turned to look at James. “Remus has had his world ripped apart time and again, just in the time we’ve known him, and I just had to go and do it to him again. Nothing I say will change that. I can’t-” Sirius swallowed a sob. “I can’t hurt him again. I can’t go near him again.”  
“Sirius-”

“No. If I go talk to him, he’s going to forgive me, and he shouldn’t, because I’ll just hurt him again. I can’t do that.”

“You can’t-”

“Just stop, James.” Sirius turned back around, tucking his head against his knees as he drew them up to his chest.

“Come on, Siri-”

“Go away.”

“No, I-”  
“I mean it, James!” He listened to James shuffle his feet. Heard him take a step, then pause.

“I hope you know that I’m not giving up on you just because you gave up on yourself. Your heart’s not as Black as your name, and when you’re ready to remember that, I’m still going to be here.”

***** _September, 1976_ *****

Sirius couldn’t help but resent the fact that a year ago, he would’ve given anything to be able to just sit with Remus. To hold him. Now, sitting in a grey armchair in the hospital wing in front of a fierce fire, a fast asleep Remus curled up half in his lap with his head resting on Sirius’ shoulder, Sirius had to push away the thought that he wanted more.

Not more. Just, different.

He couldn’t help but think about warm picnics in the sun, or walks through the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night, or swims in the Great Lake. He wanted to take Remus for a flight on his motorcycle. He wanted to go on dates to Hogsmeade. He wanted to _do_ things together.

And he knew that Remus wanted that, too.

Sirius refused to say anything about it out loud, voice his frustrations to anyone. Because he knew Remus felt just as helpless about it. Worse, he knew Remus felt _guilty_ about it. He could imagine the look on Remus’ face as he tried to convince Sirius to break up with him if he knew that Sirius was frustrated.

No, he could imagine the way Remus would turn away so that Sirius couldn’t see his face as he tried to break up with him. He saw the fear in Remus’ eyes too often as it was, the thought that Sirius would get tired of waiting for him. Tired of looking after him. And the look sent more cracks through Sirius’ heart.

The idea that Sirius could ever stop wanting Remus. That he would ever not want to sit with Remus. It was too much.

Sirius buried his face in his sleeping boyfriend’s hair. He planted a soft kiss there, torn between never wanting to leave these moments between moons, and just wanting to take Remus outside. He wanted to fly the two of them far away, fly so fast that Lycanthropy couldn’t catch them, the ministry couldn’t catch them, Sirius’ family couldn’t catch them. Fly away and just be the two of them, forever.

Remus shifted in his sleep, making a small sound in the back of his throat as he tucked his head under Sirius’ chin, and Sirius smiled softly. Remus’ hand fell into his lap, and he gently laced his fingers in his own. Remus sighed softly, and Sirius planted another kiss into his sandy hair.

Maybe Sirius could stand to stay in these little quiet moments forever, too.

***** _February, 1976_ *****

Sirius laid at the foot of his bed nervously, eyes looking around the room. He still wasn’t used to the greyness of it all. He stilled and stared at the door as he heard the slow sound of the people coming up the stairs. He knew it had to be his dorm mates.

His chest tightened as he wondered when they had become his ‘dorm mates’, not his friends, even in his mind. He knew he didn’t deserve their friendship anymore, but he still couldn’t help but ache at the thought of them.

The sounds of them ascending grew closer, until he could hear laboured breathing right outside the door. He lifted his head slightly, cocking it to the side to listen.

“It’s alright, Moony, you need to rest. Today was long.”

“We can worry about homework later, honestly, mate.” Sirius laid his head back on his paws as he heard one of them grab the door handle, closing his eyes. They were about to walk in, about to see-

The door swung open, and whatever conversation the other boys had been having died in their mouths. Sirius half opened his eyes to see them all standing there staring at him, mouths gaping open.

“S-sirius?” Remus whispered. Sirius let out a soft whimper. Remus lurched forward, stumbling across the room unsteadily to sit on the end of Sirius’ bed beside him. Sirius looked up at him, eyes wide. Remus reached out slowly, and carefully ran a hand through the fur atop Sirius’ head.

“You finished it without us?!” James yelled from the doorway. A smile slowly spread across his face. “Bloody hell, mate, you did it! I can’t believe it!” The room was filled with commotion as James and Peter rushed in, bouncing around and shouting.

“I can’t believe you did it without us!”

“Is that where you’ve been sneaking off to?”

“Didn’t bother telling _us_!”

“Been so quiet without you!” Sirius wagged his tail as James and Peter crashed into his bed, still talking over each other excitedly. He turned at the sound of a soft chuckle, and stared at Remus in awe.

Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he’d even seen Remus _smile_. Much less at him. Much less laughing. But here he was, sitting beside Sirius, running his hands through the fur on top of Sirius’ head, smiling softly as he laughed, tears in his eyes. And just like that, it was all too much for Sirius. He transformed back on the spot, eliciting three matching shouts of surprise. He quickly gathered Remus into a tight hug, hooking his chin over Remus’ shoulder. Remus gasped in surprise, before wrapping his arms around Sirius just as tightly.

“I...I can’t apologize enough for what I did,” Sirius murmured into Remus’ ear, tears blurring his vision.

“You could start with once,” Remus replied softly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never-”

“I forgive you.”

“Please don’t.”

“Too late.” Remus ducked his head to bury his face in Sirius’ shoulder, and Sirius could feel him smiling against his shirt. “May take me longer to get over you leaving me alone for two months, though.” Sirius let out a watery chuckle.

“I won’t leave. Not ever again. I solemnly swear it.”

“Good.” Remus smiled into Sirius’ shoulder again. The next time he spoke, it was barely a whisper, and Sirius barely heard him. “You always solemnly swear, and you’re always right.”

***** _October, 1976_ *****

The full moon had come too quickly for Sirius’ liking, just like every month. Remus always looked smaller sitting in his bed on the first night of the moon, his face drawn with exhaustion, his eyes sunken as they seemed to glow underneath his heavy eyelids. The way his hair sat limply against his head. It was all Sirius’ least favourite sight in the world.

Sirius himself wasn’t much better, a lack of sleep from nerves lining his eyes in red rings. It took a lot of work on James and Peter’s part to drag him to class and to meals, and to get three copies of the homework to their teachers.

As the sun grew closer to setting, the four headed out of the castle, Sirius half carrying Remus as they made their way across the school grounds. They stopped just outside of range of the Whomping Willow, and Wormtail darted under to hit the knot in the roots. Once in the tunnel, Remus managed to crawl through on his own until the place where it widened, and then Sirius carried him the rest of the way down the tunnel. Inside the house, Sirius carried Remus up to his bedroom and set him gently on the bed.

“I...am getting too old for this,” Remus said with half a smile as Sirius walked off to put Remus’ wand in the wardrobe for him. He couldn’t return the look. Not when Remus couldn’t even hold himself up. Not when Remus was going to go through one of the most painful things in the wizarding world, again, like he’d been doing for years.

Not with Remus looking like he could drop dead at any moment.

“Well, old man, I don’t disagree,” James quipped back half-heartedly. “Too much partying in your youth, eh?”

“Something like that.” A shiver wracked Remus’ body as he pushed himself upright, and Sirius had to stop himself from lunging across the room to help him. The three boys left the room as Remus started unbuttoning his shirt. James and Peter headed straight downstairs to make sure things were ready, but Sirius just transformed into Padfoot and curled up in front of the door to Remus’ room.

It didn’t take long before Remus pulled the door open, and Padfoot scrambled out of the way as Remus stumbled unsteadily down the hall, staying nearby in case Remus needed him.

Remus always needed help. He just didn’t want to let Sirius help him.

Sirius supposed the sight during the early evening was a peculiar one; a stag sitting in the middle of the floor on a shredded up rug, a much-too-frail-to-be-16 year old boy leaning against him with a blanket pulled up to his chin. A small rat curled up on the boy’s shoulder, and a massive black dog laying flush against the boy’s side.

Even still, Remus shivered, the chill in his bones and the spasms in his aching muscles spreading as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Sirius tried to remember to be grateful. He knew that at least Remus’ dreams weren’t so bad when they were all together. And the transformations were better with the Marauders here, even if they weren’t great.

It was a constant battle for Sirius, feeling gratitude for what they still had, and anger at all they’d lost. Trying to remind himself that it could be so much worse, not being able to help but think it could’ve been so much better.

The optimist and the cynic raging against each other in his brain.

And then the moon was rising, and Padfoot could only watch as Remus went through the long and painful transformation, where he was ripped apart and Moony was moulded back together, a wolf with a boundless supply of the energy Remus had none of. Energy that Remus so desperately needed. Some nights, the endless energy of Moony got to Sirius on the full moon.

Tonight it infuriated him.

He played damage control with Prongs and Wormtail, just like every other moon, trying to keep Moony from hurting himself, chasing the rambunctious wolf all night. Yet all Sirius could think about was Remus laying in his bed in the hospital wing, barely waking up. The way he fell asleep even just during their short visits to the main ward of the Hospital Wing to sit by the fire together. He thought about the resigned look in Remus’ eye after Pomfrey’s conversation with Mr. Holoway. The hopeless exhaustion that followed Remus.

And here the wolf was, running all night with the energy that Remus so badly needed. And there wasn’t a single part of Sirius that night that didn’t hate the wolf. That didn’t hate Mr. Holoway, didn’t hate Greyback, didn’t hate the bloody moon itself, for how Remus was wasting away while Moony danced on, free of exhaustion, every month.

When the first night of the moon was over, Sirius was quick to gather Remus up in his arms, wrapping him in his blanket and sitting the two of them down on the ruined sofa. He briefly thought about how grateful he was that Madame Pomfrey trusted them to look after Remus during the days of the full moon as he planted a kiss in Remus’ hair. How grateful he was that Mcgonagall let them sneak out here during the day in the first place(close enough to the truth).

The day was filled with a lot of sleeping for Remus and Sirius, cuddled up into the corner of the sofa together, and having food pressed upon them from James and Peter.

The next two days passed the same; the wolf running rampant through the house by night, Sirius holding Remus close as they slept during the day. Running his hands through Remus’ hair. Leaving gentle kisses on his forehead.

Another two days of reminding himself that Remus was right here. That Remus would be okay, because there wasn’t another option. Not to Sirius. Remus would make it through all of this. It was all the same routine that Sirius had grown accustomed to, if not happy with.

Sunset on the last evening was not routine.

Sirius knew something was wrong the second Remus stiffened in his arms. He sat ridgedly, not moving. Sirius couldn’t tell if he was even breathing.

“Re?” he murmured softly. Remus turned to face Sirius, eyes wide, panic written all over his gaze. Sirius pulled him closer to his chest, heart pounding, as he exchanged a glance with James. Peter and James stood on guard, looking around the house.

A thud came from outside the Shack.

Came from the _walls_ of the Shack.

And another. A scraping sound followed quickly behind it. Sirius stared at James as he hugged Remus closer to his chest, his heart in his throat.

Something was trying to get in. Or, more likely, some _one_.

There was a heavy crash against one of the boarded up windows.

As Remus began to tremble in his arms, Sirius took in the gravity of the situation. They were minutes away from the moon rising. Remus was about to go from terrified, exhausted teenage boy to rambunctious wolf with a ton of energy to act upon his emotions. And a threat to Moony’s den would cause a _lot_ of emotions in the wolf.

Someone was trying to get in.

It wasn’t like people hadn’t before. Kids on dares, young adults who didn’t think it could really be so scary. There had been people trying in the past. 

But this was different.

Whatever was out there was enough to make Remus shut down. Sirius ran his hand up and down Remus’ back, trying to soothe him. His own heart pounded painfully, and he had to remind himself to breathe.

Another thud against the window, and Sirius froze at the sound of the wood cracking.

The wood that had been enforced by countless wards and enchantments.

“James,” Sirius breathed, eyes locked on to the window.

“I know, mate,” James replied lowly, creeping towards the window.

“This shouldn’t be possible.”  
“ _I know, Sirius_.”

**_Bang!_ ** James took a step back as the window rattled in its frame from the impact. Remus whimpered deep in his throat.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered into his hair, trying to pull him even closer to himself, “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, yeah?” Remus just shook his head.

**_Thump!_ ** A fracture ran up the glass inside the window from the stress of the blows.

“We aren’t going to let them hurt you,” Sirius said softly. “I solem-” Remus put his hand over Sirius’ mouth, shaking his head again. Sirius couldn’t stand the helpless look in his eyes.

“D-d-don’t,” Remus whispered. “Y-y-you c-ca- you can-can’t k-k-k-kee-keep th-tha-that s-sw-sw-swe-swear.”

“Remus, Wha-” Sirius broke off. For a moment, they just stared at each other. Sirius took in Remus’ wide eyes, the single tear rolling down his cheek that had escaped. He took in the way he shook, and how he was chewing his lips. His erratic breathing. And the certainty in his terrified gaze.

A cold dread settled deep in the pit of Sirius’ stomach.

**_Wham!_ ** Sirius flinched against the sound, pulling Remus close against himself again and kissing him atop the head. He didn’t know what else to do.

He didn’t think there was anything he could do.

A scrabbling sound, as if someone were trying to get their nails under the boards on the window. Someone that Sirius was growing more and more certain he knew.

Sirius glanced over at Peter, who was standing frozen in the middle of the room.

“Pete?” Sirius called softly. Peter didn’t move. Sirius took a deep breath.

**_Boom!_ ** Sirius was sure he knew who it was out there. He had been waiting for this for a long time.

He wasn’t banking on it happening during the full.

**_Crash!_ ** Eleven years. He’d been ripping Remus’ life apart for eleven years, and he still wasn’t done with him. Still hadn’t done enough damage. The more sounds came from outside, the more Sirius’ anger hardened. Compressed into something entirely different. It was beyond fury. Beyond anything Sirius had ever felt towards a single person.

**_Thud!_ ** Sirius felt calm. He pulled Remus closer to him, glaring at the window with his jaw set.

He thought he could get away with it.

He thought he could keep hurting Remus.

He was wrong.

**_Slam!_ ** James took another step back as the wood cracked further. They could just barely see out now, where an eye in the board had knocked loose. A glowing grey-blue eye looked in through the opening. It disappeared as he slammed into the window again.

Greyback was coming.

***** _March, 1975_ *****

Remus was curled up on the windowsill, staring out at the midnight sky when Sirius padded down the stairs to the common room.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Remus asked without turning. Sirius grinned. Even after two years, he couldn’t help but find it exciting, the way Remus just _knew_.

“Like I ever can,” he replied easily as he padded across the room, lifting his shoulder casually. He watched the way Remus’ eyes darted toward him for a second, before quickly looking away. “You?” Remus shrugged.

Sirius climbed up onto the window beside Remus, and Remus tucked himself farther into the corner, putting as much space between them as he could. Sirius pretended not to notice.

“Hard to sleep with ghosts in my head,” he whispered, and Sirius wondered if he even meant to be heard.

“Guess that’s fair,” he murmured as he mirrored Remus, staring out the window. HIs eyes slid past countless constellations, not bothering to pay any of them much mind. He glanced over at Remus again, taking in the sight of his amber eyes, red rimmed from exhaustion. Even with the dark bruising under his eyes, Sirius couldn’t help but think he looked really nice in the moonlight.

“It’s her birthday.” Sirius blinked. Remus was so quiet he almost didn’t hear him. Remus just stared at the sky as Sirius watched him.

“Oh.” Sirius continued to stare at Remus, then looked back out the window. “I didn’t know it was so close to James’.”

“Yeah.” Sirius watched an owl fly by. He glanced at Remus again, but Remus just kept staring up at stars.

“What was she like?” Sirius asked softly. Remus seemed to consider the question.

“She was kind,” he said. “And protective. She always wanted me to be safe.” Remus smiled softly. “Liked teaching me to do things. We baked together. And she taught me to knit.”

“She sounds really great.”

“She was.” Remus’ smile dimmed a bit. “Wasn’t a big fan of magic, though. Didn’t like what the wizarding world made of our family.” Sirius nodded.

“I don’t think I blame her for that.” The two lapsed into silence again, and Sirius wished he knew what to say. He stared up into the three quarter moon, and it seemed to glare down at him. He couldn’t help but scowl and stick his tongue out, as if that might convince it to never show its face again.

“You aren’t going to intimidate the moon by sticking your tongue out,” Remus laughed, and Sirius grinned.

“Not if you think I can’t,” he replied easily. This was something he could do. He felt helpless to do things for Remus far too often, but he could make him laugh. And soon, the Marauders would do more than that. Soon.

“How would that scare the moon?” 

“I was hoping to offend it.”

“Offend the moon.” remus repeated flatly.

“Sure. It thinks it’s so high and mighty, glaring down at us. Thought I would offend it and make it not even want to bother looking.” Remus just stared at him.

“Did you just try to turn sticking your tongue out at the moon into a well reasoned plan?”

“Did it work?” Remus shook his head as he laughed.

“You’re ridiculous, Sirius.”

“Why, thank you!” They lapsed into silence again, though this time it was much more comfortable. Sirius’ mind wandered to their prank earlier in the week. He and James had four nights of detention now, but it had been worth it. He couldn’t help but admire the intricate spellwork that Remus came up with, like he usually did. He glanced over at the smaller boy beside him again, at the way his hair seemed to absorb the moonlight and reflect it, leaving his hair looking more silver than sandy.

“I’m not going to get better you know.” Sirius started at the sound of Remus’ voice. He realized he was staring and quickly looked away, before he registered what Remus had said. 

“Hmm?” He questioned, turning to face Remus.

“You do know that, don’t you?” Remus asked. “I won’t get better. I’m just going to keep getting worse.” Sirius couldn’t figure out where this was coming from, but Remus wouldn’t meet his eye.

“You think that’s going to scare me off?” He settled on for an answer. Then, a beat too late, “You think that’s going to scare James off, or Pete? We aren’t just going to check out because things get rough, Re.” Remus turned to look at him then. Sirius pretended he hadn’t used a new nickname.

“I think,” Remus said slowly, “That you all like playing the hero.” Sirius couldn’t really argue with that. “I think I’ll get worse, and then you all are going to want to fix me. And you can’t. You can’t just _fix_ Lycanthropy. You can’t…you can’t just fix me.” Remus trailed off, and Sirius barely heard the end of his thought.

“I don’t want to fix you, Remus.” It was true; Remus was already too wonderful in Sirius’ opinion. He didn’t deserve to have everything happen to him that did. “I just...I want to help. I want to, I don’t know, I just want to be here. I want to stick with you, because you’re my friend. And that’s not going to change just because you start getting worse. _If_ you start getting worse.” Remus shot a glare at Sirius.

“You really think there’s any chance of me not getting worse, Sirius?” Remus asked flatly. “After everything Poppy told you guys?” And really, Sirius didn’t know what to say. He wanted, more than anything, for there to be a chance that this just...disappeared. That Remus would just get better. That things could just be good for once. But he knew he was the only one thinking it could happen.

He chanced leaning over to rest his head on Remus’ shoulder, ignoring how he tensed. Just as fast as he’d tensed, Remus relaxed again, and Sirius scooted just a little closer.

He wished he could explain why he felt so optimistic. There was just this feeling in his gut, that things could be better. That they _would_ get better. He wished there was a way to show that to someone. He couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh at the thought. Show someone the hope in his gut, right. He sounded ridiculous, even to himself.

“What?” Remus asked, and Sirius paused.

“Just thinking,” he responded eventually, and Remus hummed.

Sirius wasn’t sure how long they sat there, staring at the stars spinning lazily above them, the moon glaring down at them as it danced its way through the sky. He knew one thing though: he wouldn’t trade moments like these for anything.

“You’re not getting rid of me for anything,” Sirius murmured sleepily.

“Yeah?” Remus replied, voice both skeptical and hopeful, and Sirius grinned tiredly.

“Yeah,” he repeated. “I solemnly swear it.”

**** _October, 1976_ *****

Padfoot bared his teeth, growling in frustration as he glanced back and forth between the buckling window and the werewolf transforming beside him. Remus was still writhing on the ground, but Greyback didn’t seem to be having that issue, as the howls from outside had ended minutes ago, and the sounds of claws against wood had already returned.

Prongs stood directly in front of the window, prepared for when Greyback eventually broke through. Wormtail was long gone, having been sent back to the castle to get help.

Padfoot felt useless. They were sitting ducks inside the Shack, with no options but to wait for the inevitable. Wait for Greyback to get through and attack.

Moony’s long howls grew quiet, and Sirius cautiously approached him, trying to assess the wolf’s mood. It didn’t take him long to figure out that he was annoyed, not something that surprised Sirius.

It took him a little longer to figure out that Moony’s annoyance was focused. And not on anything inside the Shack.

He bared his teeth at the growing opening through the window, growling menacingly. The scrabbling outside stopped, then Greyback let out a long, low howl.

**_Wham!_ ** Padfoot was pretty sure Greyback headbutted the window. He continued scratching at the boards, more frantically this time.

When another chunk of wood flew off, Padfoot darted forward, growling and snapping through the small hole in the window. He flinched back as claws connected with his snout, and felt the warm trickle of blood down his face. Moony butted him out of the way, leaving him to watch as the wolf stood guard at the window.

The window where the opening was growing steadily wider.

It didn’t take long for another large chunk of wood to fly away, and Greyback managed to stick his whole head inside the window. Prongs charged full speed, antlers down toward the wolf, but greyback pulled his head back before he got there, and Prongs’ antlers wedged into the remaining wooden boards. He tried desperately to pull away, but he was trapped, leaving his entire front open to attack.

And attack Greyback did. As Padfoot tried to pull Prongs away, the wolf slashed at his face, his chest, his legs, anywhere on the stag that he could reach. Prongs struggled panickedly, trying to get away from Greyback, but it was no use. Padfoot felt sick at the sight.

Then Moony pushed Padfoot out of the way again, before ramming into Prongs’ side, wrenching him away from the window,and Prongs let out a pained sound. He staggered away, bits of wood still stuck in his antlers, but Padfoot didn’t have a chance to watch. He quickly turned back towards the fully unblocked window, where the cool autumn air was rushing in.

Where Greyback was climbing inside.

Padfoot barely had his lips drawn back in a snarl before Greyback lunged, knocking the air out of him as he pinned him to the floor, jaws around Padfoot’s neck. Padfoot kicked, but his paws had no effect on the wolf’s grip. Greyback started to sink his teeth in, and Padfoot yelped in pain before the weight disappeared as Greyback was bowled off of him. He rolled to his paws at once, staggering a bit from pain, before running back over to where Moony and Greyback were locked in battle. He lunged forward to help, but was quickly batted away.

Padfoot glanced around the room as he rolled away, and saw Prongs struggling to stand. He quickly trotted over, gently nudging him in the side. Padfoot shared a long look with him, and Prongs nodded once. Padfoot whimpered, but turned around to get back to Moony.

The two wolves were at the bottom of the stairs now, the walls covered in scratches and splatters of dark blood. Padfoot snarled as he leapt towards the battle again, biting and scratching Greyback wherever he could reach.

Greyback pinned him once again, and Padfoot slammed painfully against the floor, tearing a strangled yelp from his throat. He blinked dazedly, trying to throw the wolf off of him, before Moony managed to grab his attention again.

Padfoot didn’t know how long the fight continued. It was all a blur of claws and teeth and blood, and Padfoot didn’t know who was winning.

Padfoot was unprepared when Greyback suddenly leaped away, climbing back through the window and bounding off into the forest. Padfoot was all the way to the window, ready to give chase, when Moony began to howl. It took him a minute to realize that the moon was setting, and Moony was changing back.

The second the transformation was over, Sirius was on his knees, carefully gathering Remus up into his arms to assess the damage from their long night.

There was a lot.

James limped over to Sirius’ side and Sirius couldn’t _think_ , because Remus was covered in blood that Sirius can’t tell how much is his and he’s barely breathing, and James was covered in scratches across his face and chest, and Sirius didn’t even know where Peter was and if he made it to the castle, and _Remus was barely breathing._

He didn’t know how long they sat there, Sirius cradling Remus to his chest gently, James slumped heavily against Sirius’ side. Sirius knew he needed to do something about all of the blood but he just couldn’t think, he just stared and stared and tried to remind himself to breathe even though _Remus was hurt_.

Sirius was startled when the trap door across the room slammed open, but was relieved at the sight of Peter, followed closely by Madame Pomfrey and Professor Mcgonagall.

The relief fades to panic when he realizes they have to take Remus. He’s sure, somewhere in his mind, there’s a rational voice telling him they have to take him. That they need to help him. But Sirius can’t let go of him. He can’t leave Remus when he’s at his weakest. _He swore it._

He isn’t sure who finally gets Remus out of his arms. He watches as Madame Pomfrey gets him onto a stretcher before dropping his head behind his knees, trying to breathe.

He probably should have been able to recognize the slowly forming pool of blood on the ground beneath his head was likely his own.

He should have helped Remus more. He should have been able to fight Greyback. He should have protected Remus.

_He solemnly swore he’d protect him._

He didn’t even know if Remus was okay. After everything, after all they’d been through, Sirius couldn’t believe that it could be over. It couldn’t be.

But he didn’t know.

Sirius was dimly aware of James trying to get his attention as his eyes slipped closed…

**********

When Sirius shows up at the Potter Household in the middle of the night, he’s a whirlwind all his own, everyone getting swept up in the winds.

Sirius can’t remember much about the night himself, and he’s told later it’s because he was in shock. It doesn’t seem unlikely.

What he does clearly remember was seeing Remus standing at the bottom of the stairs, out of the way, staring out at the chaos with wide amber eyes, unblinking and unmoving as a statue. And Sirius remembers wanting to go and wrap him up in his arms, holding him close and telling him that everything was okay. That everything would be okay. He just couldn’t seem to be able to think clearly enough to do it.

Maybe it was because Sirius couldn’t lie to Remus.

He wanted to tell Remus that everything would be alright. That it would work out, like always. But he couldn’t. Because for the first time, Sirius didn’t know if that was true.

He could never figure out why that was the night that did it. He was finally _home_ , he had a family that cared about him all around him, he was away from Them, Remus was here, Peter was around every chance he got. Sirius was home.

But now? Now he knew.

He knew that maybe, things couldn’t always work out. Life wasn’t always going to be alright.

He knew that maybe Happily Ever After wasn’t in their future.

Sirius could think of all the countless ways he’d messed up, of every time he held Remus as his world shattered once again. Of the time he didn’t hold Remus when the world broke. And he’d still always felt so sure that everything would turn out okay. That they would make it through, because there was nothing they _couldn’t_ do.

But maybe they couldn’t.

Maybe this was the one thing out of the cards for them.

Maybe that was the big secret the universe was hiding from them.

Taunting them with.

Laughing at them about.

He realized that maybe you can’t just keep going on forever.

And Sirius never told anyone the kinds of thoughts that ran through his head that whole first week at the Potter’s. He couldn’t. He didn’t want anyone to know how broken he really felt.

Because after that night, it was always in the back of his mind.

That maybe Happily Ever After is just a sick joke.

***** _October, 1975_ *****

Sirius knew he was hyperventilating.

He’d already passed out from blood loss and a different panic attack today, and he knew he needed to try to breathe so he didn’t pass out for a third time.

But staring at the door to Remus’ private room in the hospital wing, the door that had been locked and warded, the door that Remus was behind in who knows what condition, Sirius can’t quite remember how his lungs are supposed to function.

Sitting in a hospital bed squashed between James and Peter, both of them with their arms wrapped around him, Sirius just can’t calm down. Usually they can ground him. Can get him to calm down. Sirius thinks they may be trying to talk to him as well, but it sounds distant. He can’t focus past the throbbing of the wounds stretching up and down his left side, from his jawbone, across his shoulder, and down to his elbow.

Can’t think beyond the image of Remus getting carried away, barely breathing, covered in blood. He can’t get past how broken Remus looked, how small. And somewhere behind that door, the one he couldn’t tear his eyes away from, they were still trying to heal him.

If they even could heal him.

Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about how weak Remus had been as is recently. The Marauders had been doing everything they could to keep him from getting more hurt than he had to, and Sirius had been terrified enough of them messing up, because Remus couldn’t afford to get hurt.

Remus was hurt.

Remus was hurt and Sirius couldn’t see him and didn’t know how bad it was and his shoulder was throbbing and he couldn’t breathe.

**********

Sirius Black stands on Platform 9 ¾, and he sees a means to an end. He sees the train that will take him to the school that will teach him what he needs to know. A school life hell that will be better than his current one only by the easy way to watch the time pass, until he is out.

Sirius Black can see nothing but the dim prick of light at the end of a long arduous tunnel that is freedom. 

Sirius Black meets a boy who’s all tanned skin and easy smiles and messy hair and devilish grins. And he can’t help but be swept up in the excitement on the train ride, even if he knows it’ll be over before they get to school. But still, it’s good, and it feels right, to be running around with Potter. To be causing just a touch of mischief that doesn’t end in things Sirius refuses to think of while he’s not There.

Of course, Sirius Black is running from a fifth year after getting caught in the prank. But Potter is at his side, and they’re running, and trying not to laugh, and looking for anywhere they can hide.

And Sirius Black meets a boy who’s books and scared wide eyes and sickly skin, and shivers under thick jumpers. And it’s nothing like meeting Potter; it’s nothing like anything. He sees a boy who’s going to be eaten alive by the school he grew up hearing about, and his stomach twists. There’s a promise that he doesn’t know how to word yet in the back of his mind. A promise he’s not ready to say aloud if he knew it.

But it’s _Sirius_ who decides right then, without realizing it, that he’s going to protect this boy. No matter what. 

***** _October, 1975_ *****

“Did a shit job at protecting you, didn’t I.” Sirius’ voice was quiet, his tone biting. He knows James and Peter heard what he said. Knows that Remus didn’t.

That Remus might not hear what he says ever again.

He squeezed Remus’ hand in his tight, never looking away from his pale face, his other hand squeezing his own knee so hard it hurts. James and Peter had been pacing restlessly behind him for an hour now. He knows he should say something. He has to say _something_ to them. But he can’t manage to find the words. Can’t find any words other than the fact that he failed.

He can’t even find a single reason they should still be putting up with him at this point, really.

Sirius _knew_ he could’ve done more. _Should’ve_ done more. He can’t help but think of everything he’s done that hasn’t been enough. Nothing has been enough to protect him. To make things better. All he can think about is Remus may not wake up, and Sirius didn’t protect him like he said he would.

Like he _always_ said he would.

And really, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone, Sirius was sure. He’d failed Remus so many times all ready, why should it be shocking that he broke his most important promise? The promise that was Sirius’ entire world, and that meant the world to Remus. 

“Sirius.” Sirius doesn’t move as a hand squeezes his shoulder. He doesn’t look away. He can’t look away from Remus, can’t stop thinking about the fact that he-

“Mate, look at me.” Sirius finally dragged his gaze away from Remus as James gently gripped his chin, turning his head. He stared blankly up at his friend, lip quivering. “Sirius, you can _not_ blame yourself for this. And don’t even start saying that you don’t, because I know you do. But Remus getting hurt _is not_ your fault.” And Sirius can’t bring himself to look James in the eye.

“I failed.” It’s the only words Sirius had. It was as simple as that. Sirius failed, and he knew that he did. It was his promise. And he didn’t keep it.

James wrapped Sirius into a bone crushing hug, and Peter wasn’t far behind him. And Sirius felt like he hadn’t breathed all day, and he could finally make himself. And when he did, the tears came. And Sirius still had no other words to say, but he had the Marauders, and James and Peter just kept hugging him tight, and Sirius cried. He cried because it was all too much. Because Remus may not wake up. Because things may not be okay again.

He cried because somehow James and Peter hadn’t given up on him.

And that was enough for Sirius right now. He didn’t know what would happen next. He couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know if things _could_ be okay.

But James and Peter hadn’t given up on him.

And he would never give up on Remus.

**********

It’s Sirius Black who meets a boy who’s all sweets and shy grins and a mischievous glint in his eyes between the train and the sorting and wonders how kind people are meant to survive at the school he’s heard about.

It’s Sirius Black who stands with his posture perfect and his face set to await his Sorting.

It’s Sirius Black who strides up to the front of the Great Hall, and sits upon the stool and wears the Sorting Hat.

But it’s _Sirius_ who gets sorted into Gryffindor. And the shocked silence that follows can’t compare to the little warm feeling that he feels at his core. The elation that he was right. That he isn’t like Them. And he doesn’t have to pretend to be.

It’s Sirius who gets his boys and secret smiles and radiant grins and perfect pranks and just a bit of freedom, which feels like being truly free.

It’s Sirius who has his best friend.

It’s Sirius who has his caring friend.

And It’s Sirius who has a friend who hasn’t realized it yet, but Sirius was going to be looking out for him. It was Sirius who decided on a friend who wouldn’t even look at him yet, but that’s okay. Because he doesn’t know what it is, but he needs this boy as much as he feels this boy might need him.

It’s Sirius who hears the word chivalry and thinks of solemn vows of old. And he looks at his friends and thinks these people were the right sort to make vows with.

Sirius Black never made it past the Sorting Ceremony.

Because _Sirius_ made his own path, and is ready to defend it with his life.

***** _October, 1975_ *****

Sirius started as the door to Remus’ room opened, and he lifted his head from the stiff mattress to stare at James blearily from his seat beside Remus’ bed.

“Hey, mate,” James said gently, setting something on the chest of drawers on Sirius’ other side. Sirius didn’t turn to look, instead blinking confusedly at his friend.

“Wha’ time s’it?” Sirius asked, using his free hand to rub his eyes as he gently squeezed Remus’ hand with the other.

“After four.” James set down his bag in the corner before coming back over next to Sirius. “Pete and I just got done in class. He had to go talk to Slughorn, but he should be here soon.” Sirius stretched.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he said. James smiled ruefully at him.

“I’m glad you did. You need the rest. You also need to not sit in that chair for four days straight, but I know I won’t convince you of that.” Sirius rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond. Rationally, he knew James was right. He shouldn’t be sitting here doing nothing all week. It wasn’t going to help Remus. 

But he couldn’t shake the thought of Remus finally waking up, and being all on his own.

He couldn’t leave the room for more than a few minutes before the panic crept up into his lungs. The certainty that Remus would wake up while he was gone and be alone and freak out. And Sirius couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t leave Remus all alone.

“Brought you some lunch,” James said eventually, and Sirius finally glanced over to the bureau to see a plate of sandwiches sitting on top. He gave James a forced grin.

“Cheers, mate,” He murmured, grabbing a sandwich off the plate. The two sat in silence; Sirius eating his late lunch, James standing beside him, both staring at Remus in worry. Sirius could almost laugh at how comfortable the scene was. If he closed his eyes, he could nearly imagine warmer days over the summer, where Sirius sat by Remus’ side as he slept on from the moon, James coming up to sit with him and bring him food, seeing as he wouldn’t leave.

James had done a lot of looking after Sirius recently. Really, James only got the Sirius that was half starved and out of his mind with worry for Remus these days.

Sirius tried not to think about it.

It wasn’t long before Peter showed up, and he and James sat down together in the corner, getting to work on their homework. Sirius didn’t join them.

It had been over a week since the last time Sirius had actually gone to lessons, before the full moon. He knew they were important, but he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave Remus like that. 

No one had pushed him about it.

“We won’t get a Happily Ever After.” Sirius isn’t sure why he said it. Why it burst out of him at that moment. He hadn’t planned to share that thought with anyone.

But it was true. He couldn’t explain how he knew, how he was so _certain_ in that moment, but he was. And the reality of it settled over him like a cold blanket.

He and Remus wouldn’t grow old in a house in the country, joking around as they failed miserably at their attempt at cooking a new meal. They wouldn’t argue about how much time Remus spent doing research or looking over papers. Remus wouldn’t scold him about their speed on Sirius’ motorcycle as they flew over the forests. Sirius wouldn’t tease him back about how much he was enjoying it.

There would be no forested picnics. No trips to the market together. No slow dancing in the living room to rock music just because they can.

They didn’t get that.

Sirius turned as two pairs of arms wrapped around him, and he looked up at James’ through blurry eyes. He scrubbed a hand across his face as he realized he was crying. 

“Bullshit,” James said softly. “You are not allowed to become a pessimist on me now, Padfoot.”

“Remus is going to be okay,” Peter added. “You heard Madame Promfrey. Things are looking promising, just as soon as he wakes up.”

“ _If_ he wakes up,” Sirius whispered automatically. He couldn’t help it. Remus had been unconscious for four days now. The tears came fresh as he thought about how still Remus had been since the moon.

Remus already felt half gone, and Sirius couldn’t shake it.

“He _will_ wake up,” James said fiercely. “What happened to that unfailing faith in Moony, eh? He’s strong. Strong enough to get through this. Used to be you wouldn’t even question that.”

“Remus hadn’t been shredded by Greyback any of those times.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Peter replied. “Remus is gonna make it. He’s going to wake up.”

“You didn’t see the fight, Pete!” Sirius closed his eyes, squeezing Remus’ hand.

“No, I didn’t,” Peter said calmly. “But I saw the aftermath. I know how bad it was, Sirius. And I know that Remus is gonna make it.” Sirius didn’t answer. He wanted to share their optimism, but he just didn’t know.

They sat together like that for a long time, James and Peter hugging Sirius while he held onto Remus’ hand tightly. And while Sirius slowly relaxed against them, he couldn’t shake that feeling that things wouldn’t get better.

“I solemnly swear I’m right here, Remus,” Sirius whispered suddenly. James squeezed his shoulder tight. “I...I solemnly swear I’m not going anywhere, so you better wake up.” Sirius closed his eyes, bringing his forehead down to rest on his hands, which were still wrapped around Remus’. “I solemnly swear that I love you.” He barely breathed the words. This was a swear he could keep. He wouldn’t ever go back on it, no matter what happened next.

Peter had just gotten up to go back to his homework when the hand in Sirius’ twitched. Sirius jerked upright immediately, breath catching in his throat. Remus’ hand twitched again, and Sirius thought he might cry.

And then he does cry, and he’s grinning wide, and he’s laughing.

He watches as Remus’ face screws up, from pain and the effort of waking up. And Sirius is breathing easy between laughs, still clutching Remus’ hand tight. His chest loosens up, and his heart soars, and suddenly everything is possible again. Sirius can see things finally looking up. If Pomfrey’s right, then this is just the first step to everything being _good_ for once. To everything working out. This is the first step to Happily Ever After.

Remus opens his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! This is pretty different from my usual thoughts on characterization for Sirius, but I think it fits well considering the circumstances.  
> You have no idea how hard it was to not tell anyone about the end of this fic hahah! But I knew it would be better as a complete surprise<3


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